Making the Band 4, Season 3 Premiere - The Tour

Ohhhhhh shit, I just went ahead and played that “Exclusive,” versions fast and slow, back to back to back to back to back like it was MTB4 Season 1 again.  Oh yeah, I’m amp’d up and ready for some good solid MTB4.  Let’s get it. So I’m watching the show and Diddy comes on talking his standard shit.  Hey, I appreciate it, because quite frankly, the last time I saw Diddy, it was like this:

Correct, even he couldn’t believe the level of Bitchassness that was occurring on “I Want To Work For Diddy.”  And if Sean John is anything like me, he was pretty much looking like this after Episode 1 of that show.

I mean, I was SHOOK!  Still am really.  That shit was like a really bad non-musical video for Danity Kane’s Damaged.  And just like the song says, shit was “damaged, damaged, damaged (soooo) damaged and Diddy should be the one to know, now please fix it, fix it fix it..” ok?

Now that we handed that little bit of mini beef/house keeping, we can move onto one of my favorite shows.

Issue 1: The Evolution of Dawn

So I tuned in and the first thing I see is certified thickum, D. Woods, sashaying herself across that rehearsal floor.  Oh wait, that aint no D. Woods, that’s DAWN. Oh my word!!!

She is looking rizzight.  Goodbye shy girl, hello Q is definitely banging that out.  All in touch with that sensual side all of a sudden, huh?

Respect.  Hey, I saw it coming.  If memory serves, she had a bit of ahem “growth” in that regard last season.  Let me dig in my archives, ah yes:

Oh yes.  You gotta like someone who keeps raising the bar season to season.  Which of course is the exact opposite of what Aubrey is doing, but we’ll get there later.  Anyway, every man loves the day when he first peeps that layer of thick laid up on top of strong woman.  Her day might be here.  I’ll have to keep an eye on it for all of us.

Issue 2:  The Return of Laurie Anne

Hilarious.  And I appreciate how when Laurie Ann presents herself, MTV immediately goes to one of the finest moments in Reality TV history.  Yep, that “Baby girl, I’m not taking NO interjections” speech and prompt dismissal-ass tappities Puff put on ole girl in Season 1.

So good.  Then of course she starts messing with everybody.  Talking shit, getting under cat’s skin.  Standard issue stuff for this babe.   And just as an aside, funny to see that Medium Mike is back to being “Big Mike.”  Can’t wait to hear what Diddy has to say about that.  Anyway, so Diddy rolls up and talks to Laurie Ann one on one.  Based on the silly little grin she’s got on her face, there’s a strong likelihood that they haven’t talked since the last time Puff hit errr since the blow up where she got canned for insubordination and super-bitchassness.

Just listening to her talk to him…it just terrible dude.  I mean, first off, Puff is at a loss for words.  Then you’ve got Laurie Ahnt over here devolving into baby talk with goo goo and gah gah eyes.  Just terrible.  I mean, if nothing else, this little exchange makes me 100% certain that Puff has been tagging that since around 1993 to present.  Then Puff hit her with the “All I did was put you on” rhetoric.  Which is iron-clad.  I mean, honestly, would ANYONE outside of the choreographers even know about her ass but for Mr. Combs?  Sheeeit, Lake Arlington had more cache than this chick prior to Making the Band.  She needs to pay homage or get to steppin’.  But then Puff came with that “So did you miss me when you was away from me?”

lol, the proverbial knock out punch/dick in a box.  I love it.  Puff is back in my good graces with this display of utter pimpery.  I like it.  It almost makes me forget these Tranny antics over on his other show.

Almost.  Glad to have this show back.  It rarely fails to entertain.  Oh and fellas, yeah, yall over there at Bad Boy, less of Aubrey is good for MTB4, remember that.

- Lake

Ugly Chicks Wanted in the Outback. Bonzer!

This is a great story.  The Mayor of Mt Isa Canberra, Australia just sent out an APB.  You see Mt Isa is a mining town and the mayor believes they have a shortage of ladies.  So he figured he’d go for the low hanging fruit.  He’s inviting all the ugly women of Australia to his little town.  Here’s a quote.  “With five Blokes to every girl, I suggest the ‘beauty disadvantaged’ women should proceed to Mt Isa.”  Way to soften it up with the euphemisms.

He’s just looking out for the fellas.  He really thinks he’s performing a public service here.  Here’s another quote.

“Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness”

Hilarious.  He’s basically saying, “if you can’t find a man and get laid in whatever part of Australia you are in, come on out to Mt Isa and get banged out.  I’ve seen ugly women walking down the street happy to be here.  wink. wink. nudge. nudge.”

He’s like a Mayoral Pimp.  Seriously, he’s basically selling sex to the entire continent.  Now that the story has broken worldwide, I’m sure there are a few infrequently viewed ladies on match.com researching tickets to Mt Isa right now.

Bonzer!  I have no idea what Bonzer means, they just have it in the menu a lot at Outback Steakhouse so what the hell.

-Brock

Ashanti’s “Good Good”

In honor of the ladies of Us Versus Them, I’m kicking off black women’s appreciation.  We will start with Ashanti in her “Good Good” video.

I know this is her video, and she has the magic of editing on her side here, but she’s getting her regular chick sexy on right now.  I mean she’s working that thickness.  And she’s talking about her “good good”, can’t beat that.

Sure there is some retouching going on here, but this is about as bad as you can ever ask for right here.  Does it get better than that?

Now I don’t know when this pic was taken, I don’t know when Ashanti was this slimmed out, but she is bangin right here too.  Nelly and his country ass knows what he’s doing.

I know why you’re always smiling now homey.  How did she feel about that Tip Drill video?  I know, I know.  Why am I bringing up old shit?  My bad.

-Brock

Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ‘07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

- Lake

UvT Olympics Update

I don’t know if my Tivo ain’t hittin’ right, or if there really isn’t anything on anywhere else in the world other than these Olympics on NBC, but ever since Michael Phelps and gymnastics ended, the Olympics aren’t giving me much anymore.  Honestly, I was in a sports bar this weekend getting my fantasy football on, and we ended up with Olympic trampoline (why is that a sport?) and rowing (ditto).  So here’s a quick recap.

First of all it did me proud to see Cullen Jones in the water in the swimming competition.  Sure, the kid almost drowned when he was 5, but he fought against nature to become a gold medal winning swimmer.  It meant a lot to me, especially since the last time I saw a brother in an Olympic pool, this is how it went down.

Now see, that is why brothers don’t swim right there.  Sure, he was representing Equatorial Guinea but somehow that still ain’t right.  He must be the only brother who can swim at all in E.G.  I need to get my Equatorial Guinea citizenship tight so I can go on ahead and get into those 2012 London games.

Next, you all know Brock loves the gymnasties.  She may have busted her ass and lost the gold, but she wins the UvT gold medal for actually looking like a grown woman during the gymnastics competition.

Holla if you hear me girl.  I know, I know, Be On It, she’s not that good looking.  At least she’s not a Blonde, right?  She’s just the best available.  Her body is just in shape.

You gotta love a chick who goes for the reverse crease.  She doesn’t even go with the traditional ass crease, she goes ahead and drops it in the front.  Hilarious.  Look, the lady even looks reasonable in street clothes.

You know what though.  None of that makes her UvT quality.  Okay, some of that does.  But here is what really tipped the scales.

Daaaaamn.  I know old boy didn’t want to go out like that.  But that is what you get for letting a girl, hell letting anyone, who can probably do handstand pushups hit you square in the jaw.  My man dropped like a pile of bricks.  He can’t be that tall if Alicia was looking him dead in the eye.  That is that big, small man problem there.  Trying to be tough.  Now 788,000 people saw him get knocked out cold.  Great.

You know, now Olympic recap is complete without the men of the Olympics.  The ladies of UvT, have been clamoring for it.  Threatening a boycott.  Invoking Title IX.  Hating on Amanda Cicchini.  So we did the right thing.  We took a closer look at the Olympics, trying to find out what the ladies like.  What is that?  I mean I know I like tight tails and thick thighs.  Do the ladies like skrong arms?  Broad shoulders?  Hey, I don’t want to get too deep into our research techniques.  So here’s a little something for the ladies.  These guys are strong, dressed in tight gear.  Willing to show it all off.  Some of the greatest Olympians ever.

Olympic Super heavyweight wrestlers.  Enjoy ladies.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Ha!

-Brock

People Had Jokes For Nick, But Who’s Laughing Now?

Maaaayne, I can’t never lie.  Even I was semi hatin on young Nicolai for his random nuptial announcement with Mimi.  But I must admit, if Mooriah keeps it slim and dare I say cute, it seems like Mrs. Nick Carey made a helluva deal in this one:

Damn, this is the best I’ve seen Mariah..well, EVA!  That dress is looking right, the legs, sittin on dubbs, are propped up looking good and that midriff is securely tucked in tight so that we don’t have to worry about that weird stomach piece.  See, with no belly out, she just looks like a hype ass extra aerobicized “not quite yet a cougar.”  It’s a good look for her, but more importantly, it’s a good look for young Nickle.  I mean, how much loot do you think this cat has cleared in deferred products and services already since he got married?

Sure she probably has him tightened up with a pre-nup, but if he can get those fertility pills to work, get a few more European vacations and live to see a couple Christmas/Birthday combos, I’d say this little venture was a complete success.  Then, once he’s stacked enough cougar paper, he can get back to the level (and age) of lady he was accustomed to before.

And let’s face it, Nack can use MC’s dough.  I aint gonna say the dude isn’t talented, because he is.  But that Wild’n out became played riiiight after Wayne Brady came on and blew up the spot.  Yep, Young Nick has done well with this little investment in MC’s long loot cakes and from the looks of those long grins, life is lovely and a far cry from these days.

Crazy how much better a cat looks with some money. I mean, look at this pic versus that first pic above.  It’s literally a new cat once he was dipped in dollars (the one and only hot line from Loon’s rap career).

- Lake

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals - ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily diet.  He’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6′5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

Thick Amanda Cicchini: The Saga Continues

Boy, I was just chillin out, reading up on my UvT when I saw Brock’s post on that wild Amanda Cicchini. Ohhh wee, that chick is tight.  I don’t know about yall, but this is the one that got me:

Yessir, I must finally be feeling that hippie vibe, because this shot makes a mufucka wanna go green, ya dig?  Then one of our readers put me onto some more pics that I just had to share.  Like to here they go:

Yeah, first you gotta start with that solid soccer pic.  You know that one that really shows you were all that thick came from.  All that cutting, change of direction and running around.  Sheeit, it’s true what they say, what doesn’t thicken you up, will make you stronger.  Soccer is good on the thigh.  Goes together like peas and carrots.

Now see, I really like this shot.  Reminds me of a fine wine.  So many textures and perfectly complex, ya know.  That bouquet is smooth and fulfilling, but that finish is fantabulous with hints of New Yawk City Sorta-Rican.  Sheeit, Cheetara of Thundercats fame would be proud of that posterior.  And the tight black pants?  A gift from above.  I’m not sure who introduced those to the broader public, but by my count it’s been a gift that’s been giving since about ‘95.  I appreciate it.

Damn, is this chick fit or not?!  Wow, look at that waist piece.  I know, I know, the tail went into hiding like a frightened turtle.  Who knows, maybe she was going extra hard on the cardio, because this babe is clearly very intimate with the gym.  But please note the omnipresent thigh piece.  I mean, you sop them sumbitches up with some gravy, a biscuit and some slaw and you’re pretty much set for the night.  And maybe it’s just me, but the cheesier the expression/hair, the more attractive this kind of chick is to me.  I love that face she’s making, it just says “I’m ready for a classy evening of Madd Dogg 20/20 preceded by some Applebees.”  Right?

Damn, it’s official.  I just start from those terrible sandals and work my way up.

You know, I always feel bad for the other thick in these pics.  Like how must it feel to know that a bunch of cats are looking at your girl and NOT looking at you, except when they want to make a side crack about how much you’re NOT like little Ms. Thickness rubbed up against you.  I guess it’s just collateral damage, but still I thought I should just mention.  Ah, one more:

Very nice.  This babe just gives you what you want and need in the modern era of thick white chicks.  I like her a lot and in honor of her and the great state of West Virginia, I’ll fire up “Country Roads, Take Me Home” in honor of them legs and that ass.

- Lake

Michael Phelps is great, but he aint the best ever

Michael Phelps has definitely earned all the accolades he’s received.  Sure, you can say he’s the best swimmer of all time and I’ll even hear arguments that he’s the best Olympian, but the best athlete?  Hells no.  Look, if I’m not mistaken, Phelps is from Baltimore, which means dude probably isn’t even the best athlete in his own area code.  First off, I will admit, homey is sittin on more gold than Chad Johnson’s dentist.

And he certainly eats like the best ever.  But let’s not trick ourselves.  The reason why Phelps has gold medals in his pockets like so many nickles and dimes is because 1.  they have so many swimming events to begin with and 2. a very small sample size of the world’s athletes actually get a chance to compete in organized swimming to begin with.

It’s not quite the same as in track and field where you just know there aren’t that many cats who can step into the blocks and run a sub 10 second 100 meters.  No, when those dudes step up, we KNOW they’re the world’s best because everybody has been racing since they were 6 years old on a playground.

So when Jesse Owens or Carl Lewis win 4 gold medals in a single games, that’s real.  When Phelps does it, if you’re like me, you just sit back and wonder what these events would be like if Deion Sanders, Randy Moss, Michael Vick or Allen Iverson knew how to swim.

I mean, come on, does ANYBODY actually think that Phelps is a better athlete than A-Rod, Jordan or Kobe?  Come on now.  If you gave Randy Moss 24 months, a West Virginia inspired above ground pool (keep it classy), some more weave (sad) and a Bally’s Total Health & Fitness membership, he’d turn half of Phelps gold medals into Bronze.   Best ever?  Right.  And next you’ll be saying Lance Armstrong is the best ever.  Oh, I forgot, fools ALREADY say that.  AHNT.  Pleaz.

By the way, is it just me or is something not quite right with my man’s mouth piece?  Anyway, Phelps is good, but compared to Jesse Owens, Jim Thorpe, and hell, I don’t know, Vince Young, Phelps aint shit.

I said it!  So until they start having the following list of Basketball derivative Olympic events:

1.  Olympic 5 on 5 Men’s Basketball

2.  Olympic Street Basketball

3.  Olympic Horse

4.  Olympic Freestyle Slam Dunk Medley

5.  Olympic 1 on 1 Come Git Some Especial-lay

6.  Olympic Two Handed Dribbling

7.  Olympic Three- Point Shooting

8.  Olympic 3 v 3 Ass-tappitties Floor Exercise, and

9.  Olymypic Synchronized, ball in hand jumping

I don’t want to hear about how Miguelito Phelps is a better athlete than LeBronze James.

- Lake

Tranny TV Theme Continues: America’s Next Top Model

Awww hell.  Look, I’m not going to spend too much time on this one.  But this dude right here:

…is trying to pass himself off as a woman in the fashion industry.  And no, sticking your damn leg in an awkward position, like half the chicks now do on facebook (also veeeery annoying) is not going to make this any better.  YOU ARE A MAN!!!!  They have shows for mens like you.  It’s called, “Who Wants To Be Tyson Beckford’s Next Jump Off.”  Seriously, I’m probably the most liberal cat you’ll find anywhere, but this Tranny being tranny shit is not sitting well with me.  And I know Tyra likes to “shock” and “confront” issues, but we already live a whole rack of gay shit on ANTM as is.

I mean, you have that wilderbeast looking, no talent “runway coach” Miss Jay and then that so called Mr. Jay cat.

Gay and Gayer.  So now you want to add gayest?  For what?  So some glorified drag queen can get eliminated for not bringing out her eeer his “inner chi?”  WTF?!!  Even Diddy can’t believe yall mufuckers put this “man” on your show.

Yuck, I just don’t even want to talk about this shit anymore.  The show is already a stretch and Tyra is unbearable enough, now THIS?!?!  Horrible, terrible, awful.

- Lake